I went on CafeAstrology.com to see my Natal Birth Chart. It's so accurate it just astounds me. Its actually a ridiculously long chart, but I've condensed it down to a few highlights that I've found intriguing.

Sun in Gemini

With the Sun in Gemini, the urge for self-expression is strong. These natives are often just as interested in collecting information as they are in sharing it. Curious to a fault, Geminis have a finger in every pie. Often quite adept at fitting in with others, Geminis easily adopt the moods of those around them. They are friends to people from all walks of life, and are not easily intimidated. Their ability to detach themselves can make Geminis very objective and observant, but a little difficult to get close to. Although they often have many friends, intimacy doesn't come as easily to Solar Geminis.

Sun in IV

You invest much of your pride and energy into your personal and private life, your home, and your family. Privacy is important to you. You are naturally protective of your family, including your heritage, and of your personal life. Avoid being defensive as you work to build a secure foundation for yourself and the people you love.

320 Sextile Sun - Moon

Your emotions and your will are at peace with one another, suggesting a rather balanced personality. You are likely personally popular, mainly because you expect harmony in your relationships. You are attractive to the opposite sex, and your self-confidence and security make you easy to deal with on many levels. Your relaxed, easygoing disposition puts others at ease. At any rate, you are not as prone to the kinds of ups and downs that plague those with challenging aspects between the Sun and Moon. This is because even though your life goals and your emotional needs are different, they are in harmony.

-115 Opposition Sun - Saturn

You faced a fair number of challenges in your life, especially in the first half of life, in which your attempts to express your will were often thwarted. There can be a persistent feeling that you don't get what they want in comparison to others. You can feel unlucky at times. Attempts to control your environment, and sometimes others, may be frequent.

You want to be considered an accomplished and important person, and when you face obstacles, you don't always see that you are your own worst enemy. You may long to be considered important in the eyes of the world, yet you harbor fear of success at the same time. You take failures and minor setbacks to heart, and may even practically beat yourself up over them. Self-awareness to the point of real self-consciousness is a possibility. The truth is, nobody holds a microscope over you, except for yourself. A little setback or a faux pas needn't be analyzed to death. Fingers needn't be pointed. No, you didn't make a spectacle of yourself when you made a mistake. You need to stop worrying about always being right, or appearing suave and accomplished. When you ease the pressure you put on yourself, you find that you don't face as many brick walls. It is very much about what you feel you deserve. Deep down inside, if you let yourself truly believe that you deserve happiness and peace of mind, you will find it.

Ideally, you eventually learn that the standards you set for yourself are too high, and that may be the reason you seem to hit brick walls. You have a sarcastic sense of humor, a keen intelligence, and the ability to apply caution and strategy. The vitality may suffer, and troubles with the bones, teeth, and circulation may surface, especially at times of stress in your life.

Moon in Aries

There is an inherent impatience with getting what they want. Life is a series of emergencies for Lunar Ariens. They live in the moment and have a hard time waiting for things to happen. Whims of the moment take absolute precedence in their lives. This is a fiery position of the moon. Even if the Sun or rising sign is more low-key, Moon in Aries people possess inner passion and fire. Emotional issues take precedence--there is simply no pussy-footing around when it comes to dealing with the feelings. And, dealing with new sentiments and needs stirs up a huge desire for activity. Moon in Aries has a need for acting out their needs, with no time to waste. It is hard for them to see the long-term, or to wait for things to happen. Instant gratification rules!

These natives take things very personally, and they deal with problems by facing them right away so that they can then get on with other things. Their flare-ups generally end almost as quickly as they started. Lunar Ariens have an unmistakable independent streak. They put themselves right out there in the world, and make an impression in whatever they do.

Moon in Aries men and women are prone to have plenty of crushes and other short-lived yet intense desires. "Needs" and "wants" are indistinguishable to Lunar Ariens at any given time. In their minds, what they want is so powerful that it becomes an absolute need.

-109 Square Moon - Venus

You may find yourself compromising your own emotional needs in order to find and keep love. Peace and harmony are important to you--perhaps too much so, as you can easily be taken advantage of. Very sensual, you sometimes replace love with food or shopping! You possess a distinct lazy streak. You are capable of working hard, but you truly appreciate luxuriating and enjoying as many pleasures as possible, and self-discipline simply isn't always at your disposal!

Venus in Cancer

Love for Venus in Cancer is best when it is committed and rather predictable. These people are sensitive in love, even if their Sun sign is the more playful and outgoing signs of Gemini or Leo. You may even say their egos are a little underdeveloped when it comes to love, but they have a lot to give in return: namely, security, comfort, and care. Venus in Cancer men and women show their love by caring for you. They pay more attention to your feelings than your words, and observe you rather carefully. They want a safe, solid relationship. They can be a little moody in love, and some go so far as giving silent treatments and engaging in pouting routines to get attention from their mate.

Still, these lovers are always worried they'll be left high and dry. If you've hurt them, they'll have a hard time forgetting. They are not afraid of emotional confrontations.

Pleasing Venus in Cancer involves lots of snuggling and sentimentality. Recognize their attachments to their family and home. Help them to feel confident with you -- when they are fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out just how loved they are. Do your best to make them feel secure and cared for, and you will be rewarded with a patient, dependable, and loving mate.

Mars in Capricorn

With fiery Mars in the more orderly sign of Capricorn, natives with this position have a subdued and controlled style of approaching life. Most don't come across as particularly enthusiastic; rather, theirs is a low-key but determined energy. Mars in Capricorn natives like to be on top of things. They are generally goal-oriented and focused people who are not afraid of hard work. Most are achievers by nature, and many possess well-defined ambitions--well-defined to themselves more than anything. They're not particularly flashy people, but their drive to succeed and to make their lives secure is strong, even if it's not right out there for the world to see.

Self-control is strong when it comes to expressing anger, drive, energy, and sexuality. Capricorn is a sign that detests waste of any kind. It also fears disorderliness and "letting go". With Mars in Capricorn, there is generally a powerful need to stay in control.

This is not to say that natives of this position are cold in any sense of the word. Their desires are strong, but they are often centered around the physical and material world--all that can be seen and held. Capricorn possesses the ability to plan for the future--something that many other signs have difficulty doing. Mars in Capricorn natives are working toward realistic and attainable goals. Many natives with this position are a little hard on themselves, and sometimes others. They usually can be relied upon because they have an innate sense of responsibility to both themselves and to those they care about.

41 Trine Jupiter - Midheaven

She lives the high life, likes to have fun but knows what she wants and does whatever necessary to get it. She wants to - and does - succeed socially. After a hard day's work, a good meal in the company of friends is just the ticket.

Uranus in XI

Her freedom is important to her, even with regard to friends. These are extravagant, original, intellectual. They are not from the same background and have a different up-bringing.

-5 Square Pluto - Ascendant

She imposes her will by force, violence. (<-- LOL )

House II in Pisces

The arts can be a source of income. Her faith in the universe to provide may be helpful or difficult, depending on the overall condition of the second house. When the condition of the second is favorable, easy success in professional life thanks to intelligence, ingeniousness and a few friends. Sheis careful with money without being miserly, because she is generous.

Oh gosh.. I need to control my temptations! I went to the supermarket today to buy some juice because I've been switching my diet and I made SEVERAL SINFUL stops in each isle, contemplating... biting my nails and trying to bargain myself. Yes, I know. I'm amusingly pathetic! Strolling down the isle, I was viewing some of my favorite nom-nom junk foods. Of course, I stick to my objective and buy juice. But then I started to wander around the baking isle... The sweet, chocolately, warm image of brownies coming out of my oven became almost too unbarable! I think I've threw that brownie box in my cart at least three times.



I tried to bargain and convince myself why to not buy it. " Don't get it. You don't have anymore Dark Chocolate Frosting at home, and you shouldn't spend on another."

Alright, so that worked.. I put it back on the shelf. But as I viewed the back it said it came with a chocolate packet.. "NOOOOOO!" The sheer thought of saving money and not having to buy a container of brownie topping looked so good.. Damn you, Betty Crocker.

So i took possession of it again. And thought, "Hmm.. after eating all these brownies I'd be lucky to even fit in these jeans. I placed it back in the shelf once again. ARGH. BE STRONG. FIGHT THE URGE. C-C-CHOCOLATE IS BAD."

I drew up some strength and began to walk away from the brownie mix, and unfortunately glanced my eyes upon something even more insatiable.. A box of Low-Fat Brownie Mix with chocolate packet included..

Damn you, Betty.

I picked up the box. My eyes were pretty much twitching at this point. I mean, I came here to spend about 3 bucks on juice and I ended up debating for more than needed.. over a box of brownie mix. Thankfully i came to my senses and slammed Betty back into her rightful place and walked away as quickly as I can, keeping my eyes from lingering. Sigh, me and my indulgences. Waiting at the checkout line, I started to contemplate in buying a Cookies N' Creme Bar because it was overall cheaper and would fill my chocolate craving. Im SO bad.



I couldn't take it anymore! I ran towards the reading isle and snatched a copy of SHAPE Magazine to help promote good behavior and combat my cravings til I was home.



I'm SO glad I stopped myself from giving into the evil chocolates. In regards to food, I cooked a nice honey-mustard turkey burger. Nice try, Betty Crocker.

Til we meet again.

So I'm up before the crack of dawn. At around 8:30am I should begin leaving for my new (unpaid) job! I've got Vampire Knight Episode 3, subbed slowly loading and the dream of a nice hot cup of freshlt brewed coffee floating over my head. Then I realize, my hair looks funny.

I love bed hair. I love how it takes so long to dry it. A shower is a must and it is going to be interesting with all the little women waiting to meet Chris's famous girlfriend. Yea, I'll stick out like a sore thumb, I'm sure of it. I can't make up my mind what to wear either. I just know that I need to watch my VK, take my shower, dry up, dress up, and feed the puppy. I think the bf is taking the dog to play with it while I'm away. At least I know it won't be shitting all over the floor when I come back. I've been on my knee scrubbing the kitchen like Cinderella on overtime.

Anyways, now to watch VK. *_* Cuz that's all that matters right now!

Usually i give myself a hard time for not going to sleep at this hour but I've been productive the past couple of days. I've learned how to create a winamp skin, and have produced about three so far. I'd go all out and upload images but this laptop doesn't them. But yes, I've sucessfully made one of Final Fantasy Advent Children - Sephiroth, and a Vampire Knight - Yuuki and Kaname and last but not least, one for my boyfriend of a Toyota Supra.

I waited to give it to him around 7:30am before he went to work but apparently his computer or at least the winamp program is all fudged up. So ya, there goes the rewards of wanting to give presents so early in the morning, lol.

However, I've finally gotten a account that loads through FTPs and doesn't look like spam for my website. It's BlackAppleHost.com and i've started to tinker around with getting a webpage or two in there. I've not tampered with Adobe Dreamwaver in like 2 years. It was a harsh struggle and i kept trying to find help through online tutorials.. which did not help, lol. So I did the next best thing. I pulled out a big fat Dreamweaver book and skimmed through the pages. It did help in some ways and miraculously I summoned two linking webpages! If I knew that I could do this without cutting my wrists I would of done it soon. I remembered having far more difficulty. But I can't brag yet, I'm still a fresh little noob and have only been using it for a night.

I'm pretty damn tired right now, but I'm waiting for the parentals to head to work so I can jump out of my room without having an earful.

On another note, I'd like to just blog about how I'm happy to have returned to LiveJournal and being in closer touch with the communities that i've signed up for. Especially the Vampire Knight community because I am usually just a spectator. It's a safe and social way to use your time other than online gaming that I've taken a break from recently for the sake of my own sanity and productivity.

I feel bad slightly, leaving a few people behind in-game but when the shit hits the fan towards my direction.. a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. I'm just happy to have two webpages done tonight. I'd hop back on the desktop to work but i have been grinding on that program for hours and I can't feel my ass anymore. I'm in bed right now via laptop on a chair.

I can't wait to get a job and start making some money.. i have only 4-5 weeks left before i need to pay my loan back. I'm kind of scared about it because I am cutting pretty close. At the moment, I'm waiting for a response to an internship at Reeb Millwork where my boyfriend works at. It would be amazing of they paid, even half of what he earns.. but beggers can't be choosers. I don't even know if they want me. I just know that I need to get this site finished so I can go all out and apply and promote myself to every agency i can find in my area. I hope my website will encourage places to at least look at me twice.

My next task will be to perfect my phyisical portfolio. I've been having issues shooting my work and it end up either printed badly or the quality wasn't up to par. I really wish somewhere out there.. someone that can help save my ass will look at me. The economy's state doesn't help with the issue either. I can't imagine being stranded here in my room any longer than I have to. I just need.. a chance to start my own life.

RIght now, strange as it is. I've got a cup of hot coffee and Final Fantasy Radio playing in my room. Its cold. So sweatpants and a hoodie until I slip under the sheets and snooze. Gosh this is a long post. I say it's time to end it. Good night.

My latest craze... I've grown very attached to Vampire Knight since I've seen the first season on Ani-Watch. It intrigue me so much that I've read my first manga ever.

I was a noob, i read from right to left and wondered why it wasn't making complete sense. Lol. I learned my lesson and now absorb the manga like a happy sponge!So far I've come to favor this amv because one, I'm a KanamexYuki fan and thought this video to them was done well with the Evanescence song, "Before The Dawn".

I love to repeatedly skim through its chapters at night when I want time alone, I think i've read the 2nd half of the entire manga at least 6 times. I can't wait for the first Season 2 episode to be translated.


Rurouni Kenshin is a respectable anime. I adore the characters, the story and history intertwined in this anime. I first discovered RK when I was looking for pretty anime pictures.. I was young. It was like collecting stamps except I am a picture saving whore. Then I got curious with the anime and downloaded the OVAs. I've been a RK lover eversince.

Final Fantasy Advent Children + Requiem for a Dream. There is nothing that needs to be said. This video is just amazing and brilliantly created. There are hundreds that created FFAC with this song and through lots of searching, I believe the one found on dailymotion.com is the best.


Last but not least.. the creepy but cute ending theme of Vampire Knight season One. Its so strange, the song allures me. I'm used to the typical pop songs follow the endings. Cheers for Wakeshima Kanon and her cello!

Nowadays it's getting harder and harder for me to write something down. The emotion is there and channeling them to the end of my fingertips has become an epic fail for the last four hours.

It's been a quiet day. Spend a little sibling time as well as I went for my appointment to get my oil change. I must say, PaneraBread is fucking awesome. I don't know why but I just love what they have in that dining place. The environment feels great. The food is doesn't make me cry either. It's not strict health food, nor is it junk food. It's kind of the right balance which makes someone who's watching their weight not feel guilt after a sandwich and tea. However, I'm still a coffee addict by heart.

Tonight, as I looked through some of my music, I thought to myself, damn.. Flyleaf really means a lot to me. I know some ignorant people dislike them or bitch about them for being a quote "christian" band but I don't see them that way. I admire the lead singer. Her story, how she is so open and sharing people her thoughts without making others feel lesser. It's inspiring. It made me think of myself, of my past and all the things that have changed within me. I'm not very proud of myself, nor am I very ashamed.

Lacey discusses situations of the heart and points in your life where you don't understand what's going on. And you doubt if others ever gave a shit about you. I feel a personal connection. One of the things that have alway bothered me in the back of my mind was of how I've become. I wasn't always like this. Life drove me to become such an aggressive person. I think it's because I grew up in a warzone, and realized that this behavior got me by. Perhaps.. now. I need to find some peace.

For many years now, there's been a guilt in me that I never mention to others. It's about how I fell from grace. A one point in my life, I was very spiritual. I was very liberally religious in my beliefs. I prayed and gave much respect.. Not a single profane word came out of my mouth or harmful wishes.

Then the years passed and I drifted from it's waters washing ashore with everyone else. Life became so overwhelming and violent that fighting back was no longer an option at that point, it felt like it was the only way to survive. I fought with my parents. I fought with my friends. I fought with everything that tried to touch me to end up only alone and depressed. Ah, the memories of my adolescent years..

Sometimes I still feel this small bit of shame in not reclaiming the peace I once had. I grew acustomed to this because I couldn't figure out how. And I call myself the fallen, which explains my username which i've kept for five years now. It's just so hard. Then tonight as I've read through some interviews with Lacey Mosley, I ran into one of her responses. They questioned about the gradual process she had to do changing for god, because her life was so fucked.

"I still did drugs. I found a lot of ways to justify what I did. But little by little, God was saying to me, "That's who you were and that's not who I want you to be. You can go that way and I'll still love you, but I have another road for you. If you go down this way and continue this life, you're not going to get all the good things I have planned for you."

Granted, I'm not really a Christian, but I believe in a higher power above us. I do not focus in finding out who or what or giving a name... because that is not important. I believe in finding my purpose in life. I believe in doing that, you'll feel complete in all dimensions. Some don't bother and I won't judge them for that, but I admire those that do.

Maybe this summer, things will change. Maybe, by the end of this year, I'll find happiness. I know I have graduated, but that's the last thing I'm excited about. I'm just in awe that I've surived and been patient for so long now.. I survived my personal war through high school, and four years of college. It's as if it were yesterday that I've sat and murmured about how I can't wait to grow up and here's my oppurtunity. Im standing where I never thought I'd be.

It's May 15th, and only 2 more weeks til my 22nd birthday. My sister later in the afternoon will be coming home and life as we know will have rewound back to the same cluttered small home we once all occupied. As i sit here I can feel the dust building up on me invisible I begin rooting to the ground. But this time, I can't stay.

Chris visited me tonight, we are spending our last night together for now privately. I missed sleeping with him. If life weren't so frustrating I'd move out already. I will soon, I'm just getting my shit in gear so i can begin on sending my resume out and looking for interviews for someone to accept me. Hopefully in another town or in Philly. That's all i want right now and it's funny to think that a small piece of paper and a phone call can change your life. Playing games for four months straight just isn't enough anymore. I need to thrive before i grow old. Time does not slow down the older you get, and the world will not pause when you wish to cherish a moment longer.

I miss going out, I miss hanging with my friends and staying up late with them. I miss the fresh air and good company. But I don't have time for that now, do i? There's business cards and projects to be reconstructed as well as a portfolio that's calling to be put together once and for all. Living in my house is so fucking... uninspiring. But enough of this bitching. I'm going to warm up to my significant other. Worry tomorrow.

You know, it's been 13 hours since I've exited my class of 2008 graduation ceremony. I walked out as an Alumni of Kutztown University and a Bachelor of Fine Arts.. yet. It still has not hit me.

For the past few weeks I've been under so much stress preparing for all of this. As unbalanced as my sleep schedule became, and as hungry as I grew each night missing my meals and toiling over paper and computer graphics.. I fucking miss it. My life in school became my home and for once I actually was happy to lay down and be at peace when I had the chance. I was happy living with little than to return home filled with many.

School was easy. I knew my job. I knew my way. And I knew how to do it. Now that I've graduated I sit here still slightly in denial that I've passed some sort of milestone in my life that some never had a chance to experience. Sure, I'm aware of it but my mind is being oblivious the fact that this is reality now. Sooner or later, lightning will strike in the field I stand in. Because right now, all that I can really do is sit and make a checklist of all the things I need to prepare. I'm offically not a child anymore. But I want to be. It feels as if my adolescent life is not fulfulled. Maybe it's the same for everyone.. or maybe it's the fact that there's a part in that life of mine which still today, remains a hole that can't be filled.

This is my second night living at home, and it shocks me how I can't drive back to school this Sunday because school is done. I'll never return to that dorm of mine again. I'll never sit late at night, satisfying that gamer-nerd side of me and turn around to see my sweetie sleeping and waiting for me. My privacy has changed just when I began to grasp it. Did I take things for granted too late? Or was the timing just unfair? I'm currently sulking at my loss.

I appreciate people telling me to cheer up, congradulate me and that things will be okay but I'm either realistic or I'm negative. Right now I'm negative. It's just a reaction to a huge change to my life. I don't know where to start and I don't know where to go. In a way, I'm kind of scared to march forward without looking back. Time will pass and so will this hesitance. Livejournal will be my instrument.

I can't believe it's 2008 now. I truly can't believe it.

It's been four years since I've graduated from high school. I remember saying goodbye to all of my friends and everything that I knew. And now I sit and reminscince of those times... I am just So overhelmed of all the thoughts which are going through my head. I know I don't talk to others much about my personal life.

And damn, yo. It's been one hell of a fucking journey. A lonesome, stressful and painful path. I've endured a lot that I do not speak of to others. I've went through a lot of tears. Rivers and rivers of endless tears and lonely nights. I know I've had my wonderful boyfriend with me but it's the kind of journey that is about you and only you. This inner turmoil of emotional scars. These past few years, I have been trying to pick up the pieces of myself that were lost under layers of confusion. I grew up in a warzone. I grew up around an environment where I had no one but myself to watch out for. I always had my guard up and I trusted no one. I grew up isolated, abused and deprived. A simple hand on my shoulder would of set me in panick mode. Things were that severe when I grew up through my adolescent life.

I knew nothing of affection and self worth. Only how to survive and get by with what I have along with holding dreams of one day being happy. I've never been comforted, never been held. I've never had anyone tell me that they were there for me. When people hug me, I tense up and hold my breathe because I'd get so nervous. I was a broken girl. Full of hate. I had this perception that I was always going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Everything began to change when I found God. I don't believe in coincedences. I believe everything in life happens for a reason, whether or not we understand why. I met a wonderful man who opened my eyes when I was in the deepest, darkest crevice of trying to grow up with nothing to stand on. He showed me the beauty of faith. I learned to see. And I was only 15 years old. I am still friends with this man, and will be for as long as I am alive. My journey of hardships continued on, but this time, I understood that I was not alone.

When I turned 17, I met my amazing boyfriend of 4 years now and counting. He taught me how to love. He taught me how to recieve and give affection. And that I deserved it. I learned that I was not worthless. And that I do deserve good things. I had my first dance, my first kiss, my first hug. However, life was still harsh. I still cried a lot. And after I graduated from high school, I entered a path of trying to find myself. I wanted to know who I really fucking am without having people around tell me who I should be. It was hard. I was confused.

And now, I'm 21 years old. I was sitting in my room one night thinking to myself. "Oh my god. It is really over? I'm not a child anymore. I'm not the same as before." I realized that had nothing to really run from anymore. Nothing to battle and struggle through. This painful chapter of my life had ended. It was really done. And all That I need to do is start over.

For the past 2-3 months, I had been learning and experiencing the things I lacked. Friends, freedom and compassion. I've revolved a lot of my life around my boyfriend and I, closing off others. I know it sounds silly, but his friends are becoming my own now. And as silly as it sounds. I feel a little closer at home around them. I've never been with a group of people to hang out before. But lately, I've been going out at night with them. Eating at the diners, going out to shoot pool or bowl or enter a bar or club. It makes me feel good inside knowing I'm not alone anymore. It feels good being part of a clique of friends and them accepting me. I know I'm always the only girl hanging with em but, It's the closest I've ever felt in belonging someplace where people won't judgement or tell me what to do.

I've been sitting here these last few days, quietly thinking of the past, the present, what I'm hoping for the future. I grew up pretty harsh, and some of my habits are still with me. I'm not sure if they are ever going away. I was a broken girl. I've got layers and layers of scars. And now, I want to take those scars that are a part of me. I don't want to forget them. They are who I am. And I want to take them with me as I grow even more. For the first time, I actually feel like I'm not in the dark. I feel like I'm apart of something. And I fucking love it.

I love going out. I love my boyfriend so much.I love the people that's helped me on my journey. I love meeting new people and not being afraid anymore. I love the way it feels when I help someone out. I want to make my mark in life because, literally. A new chapter has opened for me. And I have full control of making my own.

Fuck anyone who gets in my way.

As one of the remaining few left in the dorm, I'm just hanging out and watching the ice melt from the fridge. A part of me wants to punch a small rodent into obliviion. I don't want to go home. I don't want to enter a warzone. I'm going to miss sharing my bed with my boyfriend. I've gotten aquainted to having him practically live in my room. Our 4 year anniversary is coming up this Sunday. I hope it will be exciting.

Earlier today as I walked into the Disney store to buy a present for his friend's daughter, Liliana, I stumbled upon the greatest giant Pooh bear plushie on the planet. It was gigantic and stuffed with cotton, not paper. I was so close to getting that damn thing all to myself. Unfortunately I had to be all logical and say that I could buy better things with 50 dollars. Shame on me. Still, it was fucking awesome.

Supposedly I have plans to go out and eat Sunday for our anniversary and to also see if i could join and play pool Saturday night with the guys. Yea, I'm always hanging with the males. Blasted ovaries of mine will never connect to someone else's.

My plans as of this weekend is to set our Christmas tree up and start my detoxing until Christmas. I plan to jump at least 10 pounds before the new year. I read that cherries, lemons, strawberries, apples and other cirtrus fruits as well as natural tea will help clean my system out of this semester nasty build up of oil, starches and fat. I'm a bit determined to lose a little weight and tone up by Spring Semester '08. Things just feel and are different this year. I want to change as well.

When I was a child, time meant nothing to me. I thought the world and myself were equal and I had all the time I needed. To play, live and grow. Those carefree days are now over. Living yesterday and standing under the shadow of tomorrow.. i feel as if time is never enough. It feels almost as if I'm breaking promises to myself for not being able to acomplish things. Or perhaps I'm not trying hard enough.

My view with life has changed. My view of time, and the meaning of living had altered. These past few months had been frustrating in epic proportions because I've been going through a phase where.. the past no longer controlled me, and I walk a new line.

My past... if I could summarize my life in 3 words, it would be this:

Heartache. I've had many broken promises. People who I thought had my back left me. I lost trust in everyone. I only had myself, whom even I didn't believe in. What are real friends? What's companionship? I never had a social life. Because of my broken home, at a young age, I chose the path of solitude. I chose to be alone. No child should ever be alone.

Darkness. I was so lost. I was lost not only socially growing up, but also spiritually. I had no goal, I had no faith. I had no direction in life other than to be out of range of angry fists and faces. And it was where I always cried. Alone in the dark. I cried a lot growing up. I used to cry everynight and almost everyday. That shit tore me apart.

Hope. Despite of my pain, and tears and sweat.. I had this hope that never died. I hoped someone will save me, or guide me. I hoped that an answer would come in any fashion made possible. And it did. I was given a message. And it was God who saved me. It was God who helped changed me into who I am today.

It's been seven years since my life's been changed. I've taken so many steps from where I've started. And now, tonight. I just could not help but think how grateful I am. Despite of my home-life still being broken.. I've found love. I've found myself, and I've taste freedom. I was given a second chance and given a story of how I was touched by something magnificent.

I was feeling real good preparing presents and goodie bags for people. I wanted to do something different. Most of the time I would keep to myself but this year had a lot of changes. More than I could list at the moment. Overall, I just wanted to feel different in a better way. I’ve always spend the holidays alone or with one person but this year, I wanted to at least spread some generosity to people around me. I was pretty psyched up and bought a shitload of candy and stuffed them up in small hangbags.

Sour Jolly Ranchers
Smoothie Jolly Ranchers
Kit Kat Bars
Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Pops
Smarties
Fig Newton Bars
Capri-Sun Drinks
Candy Canes

I did not mind spending some cash for people. I even bought my roommate a CareBear because I noticed how much she loved them. Unfortunately the Kutztown public safety wanted to ruin the middle of my week by throwing me a $15 dollar fine. It wasn’t even a real offense. I had my emergency lights up, damn it. It took like only a minute to drop some papers off. I’m going to have to figure out what to do money-wise for the spending this week. I assume that I’ll be going out to eat Thursday, especially before Chris, Mike and I go to watch I Am Legend’s midnight showing. I suppose I’ll be living off of Dining Hall food til the end of the week. It makes me feel fat and gross after eating.

BleehhhH!!!

For the two hours of sleep i've had, it was a bit of a strange and short dream. Apparently, sage and aaron happen to be with me.The dream took place for two nights and three days. As ritual, aaron and sage would lock up, load weapons and keep them hidden within the daytime. Everynight, they would ride out and just find a spot to sit in and shoot things. I dont remember what they hunted for, but I remember one thing. They deserved to be shot and they wanted to kill em/us. For the two nights i started with their ritual, tagging along at night and learning the ropes. Does it mean anything? I'm not sure. All i know is that at one point, aaron stuffed a shotgun in a large teddybear and I pulled it out from inside a crane game machine. Good game.

Its been a long ass time since I've written in here. I might as well have not if it weren't for the request of someone wanting me to help build an LJ layout.

And as an update of the past few months..

Life has been changing drastically for me. It's moving by so quickly that sometimes I forget to breathe because there is so much to absorb. I've been restless at night, contemplative during the day, and wondering what will come of me. A huge difference contributing on change is how I've somewhat shunned away from the internet for entertainment purposes such as gaming and late night chatting. A lot of my good friends that i have in-depth, meaningful talks with are busy on their end or have moved on. There is few I like to conversate with online now.

Alex has been ill and also moved from OR to TX with arik. Ky has moved from MD to Canada to be with his lady, Tim's got his own little lady now which I'm happy for.

Lately I just spend my time finishing whatever's left of school and being with the bf as well. I have a lot of things I need to put in order. As a relief, I've been going out and hanging with highschool buddies which i've known through many years but never had the chance to get to know more.

I'm glad I am now, familar faces make this year feel better with company through the week. I was starting to feel lonely. I've given up trying to make many friends around school. Most are aquaintances which I treat just as close. We've gone out to the movies, played poker, billards and as of last night we went to go bowling where i got my first double strike. It was fucking awesome.

I love hanging out, it's somewhat still new to me because I don't trust many people, but I am feeling a little easier now. My situations at home are still perilous and depressing, but I try to keep my head up and squeeze whatever way I can to have fun. I'm waiting for an interview call as well for a job I'm trying to apply during the seasonals. And i hope this year, fewer tears will be shed and fate will allow me to enjoy the holidays.

What do you do when you finally stop crying? What do you do when the gashes close and scar? What do you do when you no longer have something to run from?

I can deal with pain, I can handle sorrow. I can take loneliness and hurt. I can crawl on my knees. But.. what happens when you no longer need to fight for survival? All my life.. it was all about making through to the next day, holding to whatever hope I have to keep going. To never stop. I looked behind me today, and I realize.. there's nothing there. I've finished that chapter of my life. Its.. finally finished. The moment that I've been waiting forever for has happened. But now.. what am I gonna do?

I understand the whole role of growing up, getting a job, making money and creating a home.. but there is more. There's deeper things to consider. My friends... they tell me I take life too seriously. People live, people die. The rest is whatever.. I just see it so differently. I don't even look at death. I look at being aware of everything around me. Including things I cannot see.

But I guess I do take life more seriously than others. I believe in having a destiny. Some sort of acomplishment that you are meant to fulfil. Although I'm still too young to see the end, I'm searching for my next step. Destiny exists.. its through human decision whether or not we follow it. Whether or not we hear the call... I can't help but feel it. I have spent weeks and nights trying to see through the fog. And.. I think i'm finally finding a moment of clarity. Everything happens for a reason.. everything. After last night... i realized..that the answer was right in front of me.

Alright, so I'm being contemplative once again. Basically, I'm thinking of life. Where I'm at, how it's been, and how I'm handling it. Yea-ok. It's not bad. Everything has been going well around me, actually. The only thing left to progress is learning to walk alone. I know that I have people around me, but.. I guess this is personal. I'm going through this phase where I'm trying to mature. My ass isn't 15 years old, and I can't sit around and whine about shit that will never change without action.

I gotta admit, I did a good job distracting myself all this time. However, I've been noticing signs where I should look back over my shoulder for what I've missed. I believe everything happens for a reason. Everyone I meet, every little thing that happens around us. It's pieces leading to destiny, but it's through our own decisions whether or not we follow these crumbs. I get the hint that I need to grow the hell up. And I think I'm ready to start one step at a time.

I've evolved over the past few years, it's come to a conclusion that I'm not the same timid person as before. The quiet girl who tries so hard to be kind, but gets taken advantage of. The girl trying make everybody happy only to drown in tears by night. Never again. Never again.. I seek for people who can stand together, who can see eye to eye and speak honest words. Pain hangs off of me like a pair of broken cuffs. I may move freely but it's what made me who I am.

I speak my mind, I say my words. I leave my book open hoping others will read me. I'm the average fuck-up who seeks that sweet moment of bliss each day. My heaven. I'm the fool who'll hold you when you cry. And will watch as you leave me behind. I'm just like everyone else with my own little twist. I am who I am. And.. that's that I guess.

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same